Towards A Happy Homogeneity: A Memo To The Modern Tyrant

There are two ways to silence dissenters.

Assuming you have access to a reputable lion supplier and a half-decent amphitheater, the first option is to simply to round them up and party like it’s AD 2. But although this strategy may be the most efficient, one must also acknowledge that modern society just isn’t ready for that kind of barbarity (the keeping of lions that is.) The second option is to take the long view – think of sea cliffs eroding under the slow battery of years. Though not as spectacular as lions, this method does more naturally lend itself to the euphemisms you are after.

Assuming you chose the second option, you first need to make your oppression remains as friendly and amiable as possible. Use Comic Sans for your placards and find some adorable muppets to carry them around. Choose some benign symbol and make it a beacon of hope for the oppressed – celebrate banks and corporations that affix it to their respective poleaxes.

Demonize the lifestyle of those who irk you wherever possible – denounce them as puppy flayers, baby eaters, or turtle crushers. Ensure society believes that the really courageous people are the ones who eagerly high-five whatever prevailing dogma happens to be in vogue. Enlist the help of major media corporations – bonus points if you can persuade science to serve your cause. Bang on pots, have a parade, infiltrate pop music (this shouldn’t be difficult) and literature; if you generate enough content and make enough noise, even if your detractors insist on publicly raising concerns, no one will be able to hear them.

Make it nearly impossible for them to participate in public offices of any kind. Make it hard for them to live quietly – search out dissenters and ‘encourage’ them to declare their allegiance. Remember, only until the island for respectful dialogue is completely eroded will you be able establish true polarization.

Public debate and discussion is risky since allowing your detractors the opportunity to enunciate their views may reveal them as reasonable human beings. If you must participate in such discussions, ensure they take place on your terms; set up likeable, intelligent proponents of your own views up against the most nauseating caricatures of their own.

If you insist on using words like ‘progress’ and ‘tolerance’, insist they work for you and can not be equally applied by those you are trying to silence. Wherever possible, roll your eyes to their objections and questions – your main objective in discussions will not be to grapple with the issues, but to entrench your opponent’s obsolescence. Until you succeed in making their position seem irrelevant, unprogressive and, ideally, dangerous, you are losing ground.

Oh, and did I mention the younger generation? Don’t forget them; the same strategy applies. Normalize, normalize, normalize. Ensure anything resembling individual thought is squashed; the goal will be to have them sufficient sensitivized and outraged by the time they graduate.

And what about the lions? (You thought I’d forgotten about them didn’t you.) What I’m saying is that if you’ve been following me up to now, people will be asking about the lions long before you even have to bring them up. If any of this seems extreme, remember that the wheels of democracy never run so smoothly as when everybody believes the same thing.

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