Towards A Happy Homogeneity: (A Memo To The Modern Tyrant)

There are two ways to silence dissenters.

Assuming you have access to a reputable lion supplier and a half-decent amphitheater, the first way is to simply to round them up and party like it’s 2AD. Although this strategy may be the most efficient however, one must probably acknowledge that modern society just isn’t ready for that kind of barbarity (the keeping of lions that is.)

The second option is to take the long view – think of sea cliffs eroding slowly under the battery of years. Though not nearly so spectacular as lions, this method does lend itself more to nuance; if you hear someone coming up the stairs, you can just fling the covers over your head and pretend you’re sleeping – something you can’t do with lions.

To start with, make your attempts at oppression as friendly and amiable as possible. Use Comic Sans for your placards and find some adorable muppets to carry them around. Choose some benign symbol and make it your own – make sure to celebrate banks and corporations that choose to affix it to their respective poleaxes.

Demonize their lifestyle wherever possible – introduce them as puppy flayers, baby eaters, or turtle crushers. Ensure society believes that the courageous ones also happen to be the ones that high five prevailing dogma. Enlist the help of major media corporations – bonus points if you can persuade ‘science’ to serve your cause as well.

Bang on pots, have a parade, infiltrate pop music (this shouldn’t be difficult) and literature. The idea is that if you generate enough content and make enough noise, even if your detractors insist on publicly raising concerns, no one will be able to hear them.

Make it nearly impossible for them to participate in public offices of any kind. Make sure there are no shady corners of dissent they can hide in. As much as possible, ensure they are unable to live quiet lives – search them out and ‘encourage’ them to either declare their allegiance, or banish them as haters and enemies. Remember, only until the island for respectful dialogue is washed away will you be able establish true polarization.

Public debate and discussion is risky since allowing the dissenters the opportunity to enunciate their views may enable them to appear as reasonable human beings. If you must participate in such discussions, ensure they take place on your terms; set up likeable, intelligent proponents of your own views up against the most nauseating caricatures of their own.

If you use words like ‘progress’ and ‘tolerance’, insist they work for you and can not be equally applied by those you are trying to silence. Wherever possible, roll your eyes to their objections and questions – your main objective in discussions will not actually be to grapple with the issues, but to confirm your opponent’s obsolescence. Until you succeed in making their position seem irrelevant, unprogressive or, ideally, dangerous, you are losing ground.

Oh, and did I mention the younger generation? Don’t forget them – the same strategy applies. Normalize, normalize, normalize. Ensure anything resembling individual thought is squashed; the goal will be to have them sufficient sensitivized and outraged by the time they graduate.

And what about the lions? (You thought I’d forgotten about them didn’t you.) What I’m saying is that if you’ve been following me up to now, people will be asking about the lions long before you even have to raise the subject.

If any of this seems extreme, keep reminding yourself that the wheels of democracy never run so smoothly as when everybody believes the same thing.

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