Dear Amy: Help! My Son Self-Identifies as a Howler Monkey!

Dear Amy,

My son recently informed us that he feels increasingly uncomfortable in the body of an eight year old boy and wants us to to assist him in his transition to a howler monkey named ‘Bobo.’ As you can imagine, we want the best for our little bo-, er, monkey, but between his insistence on a steady supply of soft fruit and the 3 AM wailing sessions out his bedroom window, well – we’re having trouble adjusting.

Please Amy, what should we do?

Dear Concerned Parent,

So your boy wants to be a howler monkey – you should be nothing but proud to parent one of the ever ripening first-fruits of our society-wide identity crisis!

I imagine it’s quite the transition from parenting a prepubescent male to one of the most vocal members of new world primate. The first things you’ll want to do is surround yourself with people who will affirm the feelings you’ve already decided are the right ones. Asking advice from a columnist like myself, whose main priority is to appropriate  the sexual revolution through the mail-slots of the average citizen, is a great first step.

The next thing you’ll want to do is remind yourself that even the most demented aspirations of your child must be affirmed and encouraged without qualification. Never presume that your job as a parent is to be responsible for the training and guidance of a young mind – there is nothing so hideous as a youth who, having been taught respect for authority, grows up into a reasonably well adjusted citizen. To me the most beautiful, fruitful gardens have always been those which were allowed to grow into their own without anyone there designating which plants are weeds and which ones were intentional.

Since the greatest threat to Genus Alouatta in our day is their increasing loss of habitat, your first priority will be to purchase an industrial strength humidifier for his room and to decorate the walls with vines and leafy flotsam. Do you have any contacts in South America? See if they’d be willing to smuggle in a few new friends for your boy; while howler monkeys aren’t typically violent, extended periods of isolation from his own kind may bring out the sociopathy in the lil’ guy!

Don’t forget to invest in a commercial-grade scouring agent for your walls, which will soon be covered in Bobo’s attempts to alert you of his displeasure. This is completely natural for any jungle primate and you will want to ensure every room of you house becomes a ‘safe-zone’ for him to express himself.

As the weeks of hormone therapy begin to work their magic on your son, you will likely find that he increasingly resembles not so much the life you have nurtured since infancy, but more the feral tomcat you occasionally feed Whiskas to on the front veranda. He may revert to monosyllabic communication and, as you’ve already witnessed, decide to scream some of it from your roof at inconvenient hours of the day.

How can I be so confident all of this is good advice? Because love, that’s why.

Everyone knows the main problem in our society is the lack of love – and what could be more unloving than not affirming a young child’s power of subjective choice! All that will be lost if you start delving into questions like: “Will me affirming a poor decision for someone I care about lead to them one day waking up lost and lonely somewhere in the Amazon rainforest.” The important thing is to allow yourself to be swept up in the euphoria of the revolution – repercussions be damned!

Best of luck to your family and, assuming Bobo can keep his distance from boa constrictors and poachers, you can expect him to live anywhere from ten to twenty years!

-Amy

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